Caleb "Night Train" Lowery runs for 212 yards in a losing cause.
MAMMOTHS LOSE A CLOSE ONE 58-57
Coach Greg "Long Shot" Wilson shook his head as he sipped a Lime GatorAde. "We really, really tried hard to win this one. The breaks just didn't go our way. Well, we must be brave and face the loss," he said, before collapsing in tears. The scoring was back-and-forth throughout the evening. Kicker Zach "The Toe" Malmus was responsible for ten field goals. "My toe is plum wore out," he said. "It's just time to move on, you know what I mean?" The Woolly Mammoths next face Firebaugh Algebraic Fast Food Institute at Tupperware Field in Whipsaw, Kansas this Friday night. Tickets have been going fast, with over eleven sold by mid-morning.
Randles Germanic Technical
Community College and Deli LOSS 57-58 (0-1)
Firebaugh Algebraic Fast Food Institute AWAY
Anderson Peruvian Theatrical Players HOME
Pointer Circus College AWAY
Comfort/Morris Military Institute HOME
Holland College of the Guitar HOME
Lay School of Debate and Pinterest Study AWAY
Schupp In-Line Skating Institute AWAY
Nordhorn Speech Preparatory Tech HOME
McConnon Low-Voltage Technical Institute AWAY
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HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS FROM LAST SEASON
Read them and weep gently.
Coach Greg "Long Shot" Wilson shook his head as he sipped a Lime GatorAde. "We really, really tried hard to win this one. The breaks just didn't go our way. Well, we must be brave and face the loss," he said, before collapsing in tears. The scoring was back-and-forth throughout the evening. Kicker Zach "The Toe" Malmus was responsible for ten field goals. "My toe is plum wore out," he said. "It's just time to move on, you know what I mean?" The Woolly Mammoths next face Firebaugh Algebraic Fast Food Institute at Tupperware Field in Whipsaw, Kansas this Friday night. Tickets have been going fast, with over eleven sold by mid-morning.
Randles Germanic Technical
Community College and Deli LOSS 57-58 (0-1)
Firebaugh Algebraic Fast Food Institute AWAY
Anderson Peruvian Theatrical Players HOME
Pointer Circus College AWAY
Comfort/Morris Military Institute HOME
Holland College of the Guitar HOME
Lay School of Debate and Pinterest Study AWAY
Schupp In-Line Skating Institute AWAY
Nordhorn Speech Preparatory Tech HOME
McConnon Low-Voltage Technical Institute AWAY
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HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS FROM LAST SEASON
Read them and weep gently.
MAMMOTHS CLOSE OUT THE FOOTBALL SEASON WITH BETAMAX BOWL LOSS
Woolly Mammoths lose to the vaunted Byram Brick and Mortar College in the capacity-crowd BetaMax Bowl; last-second field goal does them in 44-42.
It wasn't exactly one for the books, but that's the way it will come out, as Z.U. continued their losing streak of over 1,000 games. A 39-yarder by Byram kicker Dave "The Toe" Comfort tucked in the right side of the uprights and sent the crowd of 74,000 into a frenzy. Mammoth coach Darryl "Oh,Well" Andrist gave the overview: "They happened to score more points than us. Most of the times that decides the game." Two fumble recoveries by "Dashing" Dylan Pomeroy still wasn't enough for the Mammoths. "I found the ball, but I don't think we knew what to do with it once we got it," said the 312-pound linebacker.
Christian "Crusher" McCall barely missed blocking the last-second field goal, but was philosophical about it. "There's always next year," he said. "I mean it. I'll be graduating this May, so let the next group of guys try to figure this out."
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It wasn't exactly one for the books, but that's the way it will come out, as Z.U. continued their losing streak of over 1,000 games. A 39-yarder by Byram kicker Dave "The Toe" Comfort tucked in the right side of the uprights and sent the crowd of 74,000 into a frenzy. Mammoth coach Darryl "Oh,Well" Andrist gave the overview: "They happened to score more points than us. Most of the times that decides the game." Two fumble recoveries by "Dashing" Dylan Pomeroy still wasn't enough for the Mammoths. "I found the ball, but I don't think we knew what to do with it once we got it," said the 312-pound linebacker.
Christian "Crusher" McCall barely missed blocking the last-second field goal, but was philosophical about it. "There's always next year," he said. "I mean it. I'll be graduating this May, so let the next group of guys try to figure this out."
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FOOTBALL SEASON IN REVIEW:
TEAM ENDS SEASON WINLESS
GAME #8
HEARTBREAKING LOSS IN THE FINAL MINUTE
The Woolly Mammoths fall to 0-8 after losing a nailbiter to McCallen Low-Voltage Technical Institute
The Noids came into Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field on Saturday October 20 and fully expected a blowout win, a soft part of their college football schedule. They didn't get an easy victory, but that didn't make things easier for the home faithful as Z.U. lost yet another game, this time by a score of 2-0. It was by far the best defensive effort by the Woolly Mammoths ever, yet the offense was once again shut out.
Those who tuned into the host network, Animal Planet, saw a back-and-forth game that went right down to the final minute. Brandon "Elvis" Presley led the trio of quarterbacks with a total of 11 yards and three interceptions. The other QBs, Corban "Monster" Murphy and Christian "Crazy Arm" McCall, combined for 2 yards and 5 interceptions. "Don't forget the fumble," added McCall. "I also had a fumble."
Coach Darryl "Please Don't Fire Me" Andrist explained. "Our defense was up to the task, and did an amazing job of holding the Noids to no points. However, the mistake by Pomeroy was the deciding factor. That, and the fact that our offense stinks."
The deciding factor mentioned by Andrist was when linebacker Dylan "Wrong Way" Pomeroy scooped up a fumble and ran 58 yards into the end zone ... the wrong end zone. "Well, come on, man, ease up on me," said Pomeroy. "There were arms flailing and feet kicking and hey, I got a little bit of mud in my eye. Lighten up, okay?"
Photo courtesy of Life magazine, with our special thanks even though we did lose the stupid game.
The Woolly Mammoths fall to 0-8 after losing a nailbiter to McCallen Low-Voltage Technical Institute
The Noids came into Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field on Saturday October 20 and fully expected a blowout win, a soft part of their college football schedule. They didn't get an easy victory, but that didn't make things easier for the home faithful as Z.U. lost yet another game, this time by a score of 2-0. It was by far the best defensive effort by the Woolly Mammoths ever, yet the offense was once again shut out.
Those who tuned into the host network, Animal Planet, saw a back-and-forth game that went right down to the final minute. Brandon "Elvis" Presley led the trio of quarterbacks with a total of 11 yards and three interceptions. The other QBs, Corban "Monster" Murphy and Christian "Crazy Arm" McCall, combined for 2 yards and 5 interceptions. "Don't forget the fumble," added McCall. "I also had a fumble."
Coach Darryl "Please Don't Fire Me" Andrist explained. "Our defense was up to the task, and did an amazing job of holding the Noids to no points. However, the mistake by Pomeroy was the deciding factor. That, and the fact that our offense stinks."
The deciding factor mentioned by Andrist was when linebacker Dylan "Wrong Way" Pomeroy scooped up a fumble and ran 58 yards into the end zone ... the wrong end zone. "Well, come on, man, ease up on me," said Pomeroy. "There were arms flailing and feet kicking and hey, I got a little bit of mud in my eye. Lighten up, okay?"
Photo courtesy of Life magazine, with our special thanks even though we did lose the stupid game.
GAME #7
MAMMOTHS SET HISTORY OF FUTILITY; LOSE 1000TH GAME IN A ROW
Z.U. loses to the German Institute of Humor 72-10 at the Laffvergnugen-Hossenpfeffer Stadium
The Saturday October 13 set a record viewership for the History Channel; the Southeastern Conference has again made an overture for Z.U. to join.
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There are memorable days in the life of a university, days where records are broken and history is made. Saturday was just such a day.
It just didn't happen to be the day that the Woolly Mammoths wanted to remember.
Taking the field on a cool, crisp October afternoon, the Woolly Mammoths, led by Brandon Presley's 8 interceptions and Zack "Running Thunder" Smith's five fumbles, fell hard to the German Institute of Humor and thus registered their 1000th straight loss in NCAA football. The game was not exactly, close, as the 72-10 score will attest. It seems ironic that this was broadcast by the History Channel, for certainly history was being made.
Coach Darryl "My Job's in Jeopardy" Andrist was philosophical about the milestone. "Well, look at it this way, " he said. "I would never settle for mediocrity in my players. They played with fervor, and it showed. Each error was spectacular, and that, I truly believe, is what the fans want to see." The players who were still conscious applauded his speech before they were taken away in ambulances.
"We must look on the bright side," said Alex "the Toe" Jarvis. "I got another field goal and the team did score a touchdown, even if it was on a fumble. You gotta look at the bright side once in a while, or you'll really get a bad headache from straining in the dark so much. Do you get my pithy saying? Well, I really don't myself, but that's beside the point."
The game began as a close one. Happy Hedgehog quarterback Christopher "Blitzkrieg" Koger marched the team down the field with five straight completions to score first. The Mammoths, however, took the next possession and also ate up yardage thanks to a series of fumbles that fell forward, until fullback Andy "All World" Eddins lost control of the ball in the end zone and Zack Smith recovered it for the score. With Jarvis' kick the score locked at 7-7 and the ZU faithful were on their feet for the first time in about two years. It looked like the team could break the losing streak that has reached back to 1926.
But then Tanner "the Animal" Fee broke off a 81 yard draw play run that split open the game. Add three fumbles by the Mammoths and the score was 35-7 at the half.
"Boy, I really thought we could come back in the second half," said ZU offensive coach Greg Wilson, "but then again what do I know? I'm going to go home and watch Andy Griffith and forget about this."
Linebacker Ryan "Screaming Skeeter" King was quite active with four unassisted tackles until he had to leave the game with a serious injury, a fractured earlobe. " I told the coach, 'let me stay in, I can play through the pain'," said King, " but after two more plays I was getting woozy and ended up tackling a hot dog vendor, so they took me out."
Chancellor Deidre "Achtung" Randles was ecstatic at the win. "It's soft pretzels and Wiener Schnitzel for the players," she said. "We will celebrating this win by pulling out all the stops. We'll even have brown mustard for the pretzels and maybe a side dish of Sauerbraten."
Z.U. loses to the German Institute of Humor 72-10 at the Laffvergnugen-Hossenpfeffer Stadium
The Saturday October 13 set a record viewership for the History Channel; the Southeastern Conference has again made an overture for Z.U. to join.
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There are memorable days in the life of a university, days where records are broken and history is made. Saturday was just such a day.
It just didn't happen to be the day that the Woolly Mammoths wanted to remember.
Taking the field on a cool, crisp October afternoon, the Woolly Mammoths, led by Brandon Presley's 8 interceptions and Zack "Running Thunder" Smith's five fumbles, fell hard to the German Institute of Humor and thus registered their 1000th straight loss in NCAA football. The game was not exactly, close, as the 72-10 score will attest. It seems ironic that this was broadcast by the History Channel, for certainly history was being made.
Coach Darryl "My Job's in Jeopardy" Andrist was philosophical about the milestone. "Well, look at it this way, " he said. "I would never settle for mediocrity in my players. They played with fervor, and it showed. Each error was spectacular, and that, I truly believe, is what the fans want to see." The players who were still conscious applauded his speech before they were taken away in ambulances.
"We must look on the bright side," said Alex "the Toe" Jarvis. "I got another field goal and the team did score a touchdown, even if it was on a fumble. You gotta look at the bright side once in a while, or you'll really get a bad headache from straining in the dark so much. Do you get my pithy saying? Well, I really don't myself, but that's beside the point."
The game began as a close one. Happy Hedgehog quarterback Christopher "Blitzkrieg" Koger marched the team down the field with five straight completions to score first. The Mammoths, however, took the next possession and also ate up yardage thanks to a series of fumbles that fell forward, until fullback Andy "All World" Eddins lost control of the ball in the end zone and Zack Smith recovered it for the score. With Jarvis' kick the score locked at 7-7 and the ZU faithful were on their feet for the first time in about two years. It looked like the team could break the losing streak that has reached back to 1926.
But then Tanner "the Animal" Fee broke off a 81 yard draw play run that split open the game. Add three fumbles by the Mammoths and the score was 35-7 at the half.
"Boy, I really thought we could come back in the second half," said ZU offensive coach Greg Wilson, "but then again what do I know? I'm going to go home and watch Andy Griffith and forget about this."
Linebacker Ryan "Screaming Skeeter" King was quite active with four unassisted tackles until he had to leave the game with a serious injury, a fractured earlobe. " I told the coach, 'let me stay in, I can play through the pain'," said King, " but after two more plays I was getting woozy and ended up tackling a hot dog vendor, so they took me out."
Chancellor Deidre "Achtung" Randles was ecstatic at the win. "It's soft pretzels and Wiener Schnitzel for the players," she said. "We will celebrating this win by pulling out all the stops. We'll even have brown mustard for the pretzels and maybe a side dish of Sauerbraten."
GAME 6 : ZOCKOLL U. LOSES 999th A ROW
Scrawlers College of Psychology keeps pounding away with QB option; Mammoths cannot stop it
The Green Gestalts came on to Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field on a crisp, cool Saturday October 6th game with an arsenal full of offensive weaponry. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for the Woolly Mammoths, Scrawlers used only one play to hand our boys yet another loss, this time by a score of 30-0.
"Well, we're holding them to under 50 points, so that's a good sign, " said head coach Darryl "Clipboard" Andrist. "But the nagging problem is that we just cannot seem to win. That, in itself, seems to be our concern at the moment."
Brandon "Elvis" Presley is now part of a trio of quarterbacks in a new system to see if anyone can throw the ball more than four yards downfield. Presley led the QB group with a total of 19 yards, "but only three interceptions in ten whole throws," he was eager to tell us. The other quarterbacks, Dylan "Danger Mouse" Pomeroy and Austin "AK 47" Leach, combined for no completions in 52 attempts. "Hey, my arm still feels fine, though," said Pomeroy. "Icy Hot does wonders."
The 7 pm EST kickoff was covered by Lifetime Network.
Scrawlers College of Psychology keeps pounding away with QB option; Mammoths cannot stop it
The Green Gestalts came on to Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field on a crisp, cool Saturday October 6th game with an arsenal full of offensive weaponry. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for the Woolly Mammoths, Scrawlers used only one play to hand our boys yet another loss, this time by a score of 30-0.
"Well, we're holding them to under 50 points, so that's a good sign, " said head coach Darryl "Clipboard" Andrist. "But the nagging problem is that we just cannot seem to win. That, in itself, seems to be our concern at the moment."
Brandon "Elvis" Presley is now part of a trio of quarterbacks in a new system to see if anyone can throw the ball more than four yards downfield. Presley led the QB group with a total of 19 yards, "but only three interceptions in ten whole throws," he was eager to tell us. The other quarterbacks, Dylan "Danger Mouse" Pomeroy and Austin "AK 47" Leach, combined for no completions in 52 attempts. "Hey, my arm still feels fine, though," said Pomeroy. "Icy Hot does wonders."
The 7 pm EST kickoff was covered by Lifetime Network.
ZOCKOLL U. LOSES FIFTH STRAIGHT GAME; FALLS TO POINTER
Woolly Mammoths lose their 998th football game; haven't won since 1926. The football boys at Z.U. haven't won a game since Calvin Coolidge was president, and if their style of play is the same as during the 57-0 loss to Pointer Hermaneutics University, it might be quite a few years before they see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Tailback Chandler "Godzilla" Adkins was philosophical: "Yeah, we lost to the Fightin' Exegetes. An' that's the way life is. You win some, you lose some. But the problem is, we lose 'em all."
The scene at the Hershey/Nestle Stadium of Fine Arts and Football was brutal to say the least. Just after Alex "the Toe" Jarvis kicked off, the P.H.U. player "Choo Choo" Ryan Smith took the ball for 94 yards and a score. Within twelve seconds, the Mammoths were already behind.
Coach Andrist summed it up: "We found out we cannot win on the road. Of course, we also know that we can't win at home. We're trying to find a place in the universe where we having a fighting chance. "
Brandon "Six Gun" Presley came out throwing, and finished the game with a sum of 28 yards. "I got started okay, but then my arm went asleep, I think. But at least I set a record." Yes, his ten interceptions stand as an all-time Z.U. record.
The Saturday September 29 game was awful from the very moments of the 3 pm kickoff but once again drew rave ratings. Millions tuned in to the Fishing Network to watch the likes of Zack "Running Thunder" make tackle after tackle, even though he was a running back on the offense and he was tackling his own teammates. "We love the ratings," said Fishing Network president Austin Richey. "We're in a bidding war right now."
The latest rumor is that Z.U. has been given a formal invitation to join the SEC.
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Woolly Mammoths lose their 998th football game; haven't won since 1926. The football boys at Z.U. haven't won a game since Calvin Coolidge was president, and if their style of play is the same as during the 57-0 loss to Pointer Hermaneutics University, it might be quite a few years before they see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Tailback Chandler "Godzilla" Adkins was philosophical: "Yeah, we lost to the Fightin' Exegetes. An' that's the way life is. You win some, you lose some. But the problem is, we lose 'em all."
The scene at the Hershey/Nestle Stadium of Fine Arts and Football was brutal to say the least. Just after Alex "the Toe" Jarvis kicked off, the P.H.U. player "Choo Choo" Ryan Smith took the ball for 94 yards and a score. Within twelve seconds, the Mammoths were already behind.
Coach Andrist summed it up: "We found out we cannot win on the road. Of course, we also know that we can't win at home. We're trying to find a place in the universe where we having a fighting chance. "
Brandon "Six Gun" Presley came out throwing, and finished the game with a sum of 28 yards. "I got started okay, but then my arm went asleep, I think. But at least I set a record." Yes, his ten interceptions stand as an all-time Z.U. record.
The Saturday September 29 game was awful from the very moments of the 3 pm kickoff but once again drew rave ratings. Millions tuned in to the Fishing Network to watch the likes of Zack "Running Thunder" make tackle after tackle, even though he was a running back on the offense and he was tackling his own teammates. "We love the ratings," said Fishing Network president Austin Richey. "We're in a bidding war right now."
The latest rumor is that Z.U. has been given a formal invitation to join the SEC.
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ZOCKOLL UNIVERSITY'S FOURTH QUARTER COSTS THEM A CHANCE AT VICTORY
Trick plays are not enough as Z.U.falls to Firebaugh Pythagorean Theorem University
Zockoll University was ready and willing to tackle the Raging Hypotenuses on the home turf known as Cheez-It Field, and the capacity home crowd was willing and ready to see the victory on Saturday September 22. And for three quarters, it looked like the Woolly Mammoths just might pull it off.
"We were tied with them, all that time. Then the fourth quarter just ruined us, " said dejected right tackled Luke "the Animal" Shepherd, wiping the mud from his face. "It was so close... so close. It'll take three pizzas and a six pack of Mountain Dew for me to forget this one tonight."
The noontime game started strong enough, as the hundreds who tuned in on the Oprah Winfrey Network could attest. Quarterback Brandon "Elvis" Presley snapped off three consecutive passes before finding receiver Kevin "Whirlwind" Scott in the end zone. Alex Jarvis' kick made it a quick 7-0 score, the first TD for the Mammoths this season. "It was so easy," said Presley. "I dont know why haven't done it up till now." He finished the game with a total of 61 yards, his all-time high, and the highest total for a Z.U. QB in five years.
However, F.P.T.U. came back just as fast. "With a roar of "Pi or die!" The offense took the ball down the field and scored within the next 82 seconds, followed by an extra point kick that tied the game. The game was a deadlock, and the tension was thicker than a homemade sandwich of Cheez-its and Velveeta, which incidentally, is a brisk seller at the Z.U. concession stands.
"It was a simple trick play," said "Mile High" Mitch Stooksbury. " A simple trick play that always worked. Of course, we're pretty simple ourselves, so it didn't work."
With 13:20 left in the game, Presley handed off to Zack "Running Thunder" Smith to start off the trick play known as the Seventeen Switch. The ball is lateraled a full seventeen times in the backfield before Matt "Ice Man" Holland is to take it down the sidelines while running backwards. However, after fourteen laterals, the team was clearly fatigued. Presley underhanded the ball off of Smith's left eye socket and the ensuing bounce of the football ricocheted away from Shepherd and Stooksbury into the hands of a running Hypotenuse, who romped 45 yards for the score. The demoralizing play haunted the Mammoths, who were so shocked at its ineptitude that they tried it four more times, only to have Firebaugh score each time as well. When the final buzzer sounded, the final tally was Firebaugh University 42. Zockoll University 7. The Woolly Mammoths have now been outscored 173 to 10 so far this season. They have officially lost their 997th game in a row, dating back to 1926.
"We take this all in stride, " said head coach Darryl Andrist. "Look, we make history soon either way. Either we break the streak or we lose 1000 games in a row. Either way these young men are part of something special."
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Trick plays are not enough as Z.U.falls to Firebaugh Pythagorean Theorem University
Zockoll University was ready and willing to tackle the Raging Hypotenuses on the home turf known as Cheez-It Field, and the capacity home crowd was willing and ready to see the victory on Saturday September 22. And for three quarters, it looked like the Woolly Mammoths just might pull it off.
"We were tied with them, all that time. Then the fourth quarter just ruined us, " said dejected right tackled Luke "the Animal" Shepherd, wiping the mud from his face. "It was so close... so close. It'll take three pizzas and a six pack of Mountain Dew for me to forget this one tonight."
The noontime game started strong enough, as the hundreds who tuned in on the Oprah Winfrey Network could attest. Quarterback Brandon "Elvis" Presley snapped off three consecutive passes before finding receiver Kevin "Whirlwind" Scott in the end zone. Alex Jarvis' kick made it a quick 7-0 score, the first TD for the Mammoths this season. "It was so easy," said Presley. "I dont know why haven't done it up till now." He finished the game with a total of 61 yards, his all-time high, and the highest total for a Z.U. QB in five years.
However, F.P.T.U. came back just as fast. "With a roar of "Pi or die!" The offense took the ball down the field and scored within the next 82 seconds, followed by an extra point kick that tied the game. The game was a deadlock, and the tension was thicker than a homemade sandwich of Cheez-its and Velveeta, which incidentally, is a brisk seller at the Z.U. concession stands.
"It was a simple trick play," said "Mile High" Mitch Stooksbury. " A simple trick play that always worked. Of course, we're pretty simple ourselves, so it didn't work."
With 13:20 left in the game, Presley handed off to Zack "Running Thunder" Smith to start off the trick play known as the Seventeen Switch. The ball is lateraled a full seventeen times in the backfield before Matt "Ice Man" Holland is to take it down the sidelines while running backwards. However, after fourteen laterals, the team was clearly fatigued. Presley underhanded the ball off of Smith's left eye socket and the ensuing bounce of the football ricocheted away from Shepherd and Stooksbury into the hands of a running Hypotenuse, who romped 45 yards for the score. The demoralizing play haunted the Mammoths, who were so shocked at its ineptitude that they tried it four more times, only to have Firebaugh score each time as well. When the final buzzer sounded, the final tally was Firebaugh University 42. Zockoll University 7. The Woolly Mammoths have now been outscored 173 to 10 so far this season. They have officially lost their 997th game in a row, dating back to 1926.
"We take this all in stride, " said head coach Darryl Andrist. "Look, we make history soon either way. Either we break the streak or we lose 1000 games in a row. Either way these young men are part of something special."
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BELOW IS AN ARCHIVE OF THE OTHER GAMES Z.U. HAS PLAYED THIS SEASON.
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GAME 1: WOOLLY MAMMOTHS LOSE THE OPENER IN A CLOSE ONE
Well, considering their past performances. This one they lose to Rietman College of Left-Handed Architecture by a 32-0 score.
MASCOT NAME: Flaming Mice
The Kickoff Classic at the PetCo Humane Society Bowl looked to be a close contest throughout the weeks coming to the start of the season. "We really thought we could pull it out," said tailback Mitch Stooksbury. "But we kinda got tired, you know?"
The August 31st game didn't bode well for Zockoll University as the Flaming Mice of Rietman ran up and down the field in the second half to build upon their 14-0 halftime lead and walk way with a 32-0 win.
The Food Network did not seem disappointed in their first-ever broadcast of a college football game, registering second place in their time slot for all food networks on cable television. "Yes, the ratings were good," said quarterback Brandon Presley, "but that's because people watched to see if we would lose our 994th in a row. They weren't disappointed." Presley threw for a total of 28 yards, the highest total for a quarterback with ZU in two seasons. "I'll keep plugging away," said Presley. "Fifty yards a game in the air is not impossible."
Well, considering their past performances. This one they lose to Rietman College of Left-Handed Architecture by a 32-0 score.
MASCOT NAME: Flaming Mice
The Kickoff Classic at the PetCo Humane Society Bowl looked to be a close contest throughout the weeks coming to the start of the season. "We really thought we could pull it out," said tailback Mitch Stooksbury. "But we kinda got tired, you know?"
The August 31st game didn't bode well for Zockoll University as the Flaming Mice of Rietman ran up and down the field in the second half to build upon their 14-0 halftime lead and walk way with a 32-0 win.
The Food Network did not seem disappointed in their first-ever broadcast of a college football game, registering second place in their time slot for all food networks on cable television. "Yes, the ratings were good," said quarterback Brandon Presley, "but that's because people watched to see if we would lose our 994th in a row. They weren't disappointed." Presley threw for a total of 28 yards, the highest total for a quarterback with ZU in two seasons. "I'll keep plugging away," said Presley. "Fifty yards a game in the air is not impossible."
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GAME #2 : Z.U. LOSES ITS HOME OPENER TO MILLER CACTUS.
55-0 is the final score as the Mammoths cannot get into the end zone.
"The tackling was poor and our quarterback was anemic. And the linebackers were pitiful. And our receivers couldn't catch anything," says Z.U. athletic director Joel "Half Nelson" Sampsel. "But the bright side is that we didn't muddy ourselves enough to need to wash our uniforms after the game. So there's that."
Our second game was a nailbiter right up until the opening kickoff. From that point on, it seemed that there was no stopping Miller Cactus University of the Southwest. The Chupacabras quarterback Kevin "Six Gun" Smith came out firing, connecting with four different receivers for scores in what became a very trying game in front of a packed stadium. "The fans always fill
Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field, " said head coach Andrist, "though sometimes I don't see why."
The noontime game was covered by DIY Network to its largest viewing audience ever, but substitute Z.U. quarterback Millford Nubbins just couldn't get the game going. In fact, he couldn't complete a pass. All afternoon.
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GAME #3: ZOCKOLL UNIVERSITY GETS ON THE SCOREBOARD AFTER THREE GAMES
Jarvis' last-second field goal averts a shutout as ZU goes down 44- 3 to the Lightman University of Happy Shrimp.
"The pressure was on, " said kicker Alex Jarvis, "and in front of a hostile crowd I had to reach deep within and find some energy." He came through, kicking a 14 yarder with three seconds left as the Woolly Mammoths tacked on their first points of the season in a 44-3 trouncing at the hands of the L.U.H.S. Pistol Shrimp. QB Brandon Presley was enthusiastic. "This is a big day," he gushed. "I threw for record yardage for our team - a total of 39 yards, mind you - and Jarvis comes through for the score. This is one for the books."
ZU has been outscored 131-3 this season. "Good things are happening," said ZU head coach Andrist. "Like ice cream snacks after the game, so we're encouraged."
The Jay Doty Snapper Stadium at Tres Pinos California was packed to see the Mammoths lose their September 13th game which amounts to their 996th loss in a row. Running back Zack "Running Thunder" Smith ran for 24 yards in the loss, but was upbeat. "Hey, my shoes didn't get untied even once all game. That's better than last week."
The Golf Network registered its highest ratings ever, and is in a bid to broadcast another game this season.
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Note: Game may be subject to change due to NCAA violation of GIH football players all driving Mercedes and hoarding excessive amounts of Storck - Riesen candy in their dorm rooms. We will keep you posted.
GAME 8 (HOME):
OPPONENT: McCallen Low-Voltage Technical Institute
MASCOT NAME: The Noids
VENUE: Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field
DATE: Saturday October 20
Kickoff is at 3 pm EST
TV COVERAGE: Animal Planet
ZOCKOLL UNIVERSITY TEAM COLORS: Black, gray and white. "We went for a sleek new design along with the standout colors," said athletic director Daryl "the Dodger" Andrist. Here are some of our players modelling the new team uniform colors:
55-0 is the final score as the Mammoths cannot get into the end zone.
"The tackling was poor and our quarterback was anemic. And the linebackers were pitiful. And our receivers couldn't catch anything," says Z.U. athletic director Joel "Half Nelson" Sampsel. "But the bright side is that we didn't muddy ourselves enough to need to wash our uniforms after the game. So there's that."
Our second game was a nailbiter right up until the opening kickoff. From that point on, it seemed that there was no stopping Miller Cactus University of the Southwest. The Chupacabras quarterback Kevin "Six Gun" Smith came out firing, connecting with four different receivers for scores in what became a very trying game in front of a packed stadium. "The fans always fill
Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field, " said head coach Andrist, "though sometimes I don't see why."
The noontime game was covered by DIY Network to its largest viewing audience ever, but substitute Z.U. quarterback Millford Nubbins just couldn't get the game going. In fact, he couldn't complete a pass. All afternoon.
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GAME #3: ZOCKOLL UNIVERSITY GETS ON THE SCOREBOARD AFTER THREE GAMES
Jarvis' last-second field goal averts a shutout as ZU goes down 44- 3 to the Lightman University of Happy Shrimp.
"The pressure was on, " said kicker Alex Jarvis, "and in front of a hostile crowd I had to reach deep within and find some energy." He came through, kicking a 14 yarder with three seconds left as the Woolly Mammoths tacked on their first points of the season in a 44-3 trouncing at the hands of the L.U.H.S. Pistol Shrimp. QB Brandon Presley was enthusiastic. "This is a big day," he gushed. "I threw for record yardage for our team - a total of 39 yards, mind you - and Jarvis comes through for the score. This is one for the books."
ZU has been outscored 131-3 this season. "Good things are happening," said ZU head coach Andrist. "Like ice cream snacks after the game, so we're encouraged."
The Jay Doty Snapper Stadium at Tres Pinos California was packed to see the Mammoths lose their September 13th game which amounts to their 996th loss in a row. Running back Zack "Running Thunder" Smith ran for 24 yards in the loss, but was upbeat. "Hey, my shoes didn't get untied even once all game. That's better than last week."
The Golf Network registered its highest ratings ever, and is in a bid to broadcast another game this season.
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Note: Game may be subject to change due to NCAA violation of GIH football players all driving Mercedes and hoarding excessive amounts of Storck - Riesen candy in their dorm rooms. We will keep you posted.
GAME 8 (HOME):
OPPONENT: McCallen Low-Voltage Technical Institute
MASCOT NAME: The Noids
VENUE: Zockoll University's Cheez-It Field
DATE: Saturday October 20
Kickoff is at 3 pm EST
TV COVERAGE: Animal Planet
ZOCKOLL UNIVERSITY TEAM COLORS: Black, gray and white. "We went for a sleek new design along with the standout colors," said athletic director Daryl "the Dodger" Andrist. Here are some of our players modelling the new team uniform colors:
Z.U. ATHLETICS finally wins a game, even though it's in baseball
"It took six decades, but we finally won a game." ZU sports program on a winning streak; resolves to continue
Few things have enlivened the campus as the winning ways of the Woolly Mammoth sports program. Offering no scholarships (due to the minor obstacle of having no budget), ZU has repeatedly encountered numerous bumps in the ways of competitive sports. In fact, the only winning season ZU has enjoyed was the 1946 tournament win at the Regional Chess Boxing Invitational when our own Gerald "Gorilla" Leibowitz won a 12 round decision (a checkmate combined with a TKO) over Loyola Pacific College's Finster "The Mouse" Montgomery.
However, our athletes are proud to boast an undefeated season in baseball (see above picture) as our Woolly Mammoth nine ended the schedule with no losses as we topped Gruber International University in 19 innings by a 22-21 score. Our undefeated season is the result of the ingenious scheduling decision by our athletic department - mainly, that we would play only one game. The savings in transportation and other expenses was significant (we borrowed the bats and uniforms from Whitley's Sav-U-More softball team and insisted on using the same baseball we borrowed from a neighbor) and the fans roared their delight with the exhausting win. "This could be the beginning of a dynasty," said Pepsi-soaked baseball coach Marty "Mortar and Bricks" Petrovich. "We are thinking of scheduling a doubleheader, but we don't want to rush things. Let's just savor this victory before we move on."
JUBILANT FANS TEAR DOWN GOALPOSTS AFTER MAMMOTHS' 19-INNING WIN, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS A BASEBALL GAME.
OUR NEXT BIG ATHLETIC CONTEST!
SOPHOMORES HAVE A TEST TOMORROW - TIME TO PREPARE
HERE ARE THINGS THAT WILL BE ON THE TEST:
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Acts
Romans
1 Corinthians
2 Corinthians
Galatians
Ephesian
Philippians
Colossians
SOPHOMORES HAVE A TEST TOMORROW - TIME TO PREPARE
HERE ARE THINGS THAT WILL BE ON THE TEST:
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Acts
Romans
1 Corinthians
2 Corinthians
Galatians
Ephesian
Philippians
Colossians
Paul wrote the Books of Colossians, Philemon,
Ephesians, and Philippians during his imprisonment in Rome.
Rome.
Ephesus talked about maturing on the inside… now what does the book of Philippians do?
σκύβαλον?
“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”
ἀγαπάω?
οὐρανός?
ᾅδης?
ἄγγελος?
Rome.
Ephesus talked about maturing on the inside… now what does the book of Philippians do?
σκύβαλον?
“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”
ἀγαπάω?
οὐρανός?
ᾅδης?
ἄγγελος?
Conceit could be more literally translated
“empty glory.”
The ancient Greeks considered lowliness of mind to be a fault, not a virtue.
Chapter 2 and verse 7 The word is κενόω (ken – AH – oh) and it means emptying 2:7 “…but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant…"
PHLPNS CHAPTER 3 – FORGET THE WORLDLY THINGS – GET TO KNOW CHRIST! Paul shares with the Philippians the “secret” of being able to rejoice in the Lord - not in circumstances or in situations, but in the Lord who works all things together for good. Daily prayer and reading
will bring this about!
Then we look at 2 TIMOTHY ἀνυπόκριτος 1:2-5 “NOT A HYPOCRITE” "a stage–actor”; it was a custom for Greek and Roman actors to speak in large masks … when you display faith in Jesus at work, home, ballfield, school… there is no acting
The ancient Greeks considered lowliness of mind to be a fault, not a virtue.
Chapter 2 and verse 7 The word is κενόω (ken – AH – oh) and it means emptying 2:7 “…but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant…"
PHLPNS CHAPTER 3 – FORGET THE WORLDLY THINGS – GET TO KNOW CHRIST! Paul shares with the Philippians the “secret” of being able to rejoice in the Lord - not in circumstances or in situations, but in the Lord who works all things together for good. Daily prayer and reading
will bring this about!
Then we look at 2 TIMOTHY ἀνυπόκριτος 1:2-5 “NOT A HYPOCRITE” "a stage–actor”; it was a custom for Greek and Roman actors to speak in large masks … when you display faith in Jesus at work, home, ballfield, school… there is no acting